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"I told Forgy we'd probably be having daiquiris. He says that for lunch,
two's my limit." Then, her expression serious, "What's happened, Jay?"
When their drinks were served and menus lay open before them, he told her.
"So I don't really know anything whether it's all right, whether I canmake it
all right, or nearly or whether it's all shot to hell."
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She touched his hand. "Poor Jay your beliefs don't make life easy for you, do
they? Too bad you weren't raised to be a little more liberal." He felt his
face stiffen; she gestured and said, "Oh, nothing extreme the Pansexualists
seem to have just as much trouble with their own ideas." She shrugged. "The
more moderate ways they're more comfortable to live with, that's all."
"Maybe." He shook his head, drank from his glass. "Most kids, I guess, do the
rebellion part for a while and come out of it with whatever modification suits
them, of their upbringing. I never got around to that; maybe if my folks
hadn't been killed, I would have."
The waiter came; they ordered. When he had gone, Saela said, "Why me, Jay
?"Before he could answer,"Sure, you know I like you and you've already given
me the background so I'm the perfect listener. But are you sure you know why
you asked me here?"
"You just said it. What else could there be?"
"Let's look at it." She raised one finger. "If all's well, then you're
right a little listening and support, that's all you need." A second finger.
"Or if she leaves you same again, because as a replacement I wouldn't suit you
and you know that, too." Now a third finger. "But if things are broken a
little or maybe a lot, but not all the way then I think you want something
more, whether you know it or not."
Jay frowned. "I don't follow you."
"You will in a minute. Look here you are you've already forgiven what you
probably think is her misspent past, and now maybe it's all to do over again.
It won't be easy "
"I know that but I'd have to, anyway."
"Interrupting's bad manners. I was saying, it won't be easy to do itright
without resentment or being more-righteous-than-thou." Under the blonde
bangs, brushed to smoothness, her divergent gaze held on him. "Your setup's
out of balance. Jay you have to do all the forgiving, andshe has all the
burden of accepting it."
Still he did not understand. With a brief pout, she said, "It'd be lots
easier on both of you, if you had a little matching guilt to offer."She held
thumb and forefinger a centimeter apart. "Just a little, you see." She smiled.
"It wouldn't be at all difficult, Jay I told you I was set for a long lunch
break."
He stared at her. "But I don't evenknow , yet. And " He shook his head. "I
couldn't, anyway."Now their food arrived; again they paused until the servitor
left. Then he said, "Why, it would be like retaliation tit for tat, getting
even."
"Not unless that was your motive and I don't think you're the sort. Now
aboutmy motive " She grinned. "That's simple. I like you and you attract
me and in my moderate way of thinking, there's no place for guilt. Especially
if it turns out I'm helping do you both a favor."
While he thought about it, they ate. Then he put down his laden fork and
said, "I can't share that view; I appreciate your intent, though. Thank you,
Saela."
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One side of her mouth smiled. "I can't help you, can I? All right for now.
But if the dice come up that way, think again, will you?"
From politeness he agreed, then changed the subject, asking Saela her
impressions of the Courier service as an effective tool. But all the while he
listened, he wondered: was she right?
He walked her to the Admin Building, then returned to his quarters. In the
corridor approaching them he met Harwood Pearsail.
"Well Uncle Woody!"
The other smiled briefly. "I couldn't reach you. Left a note on your door.
All right if I stay and visit a while?"
"Of course; glad you came." At the door, Pearsall reclaimed his note and
crumpled it into a pocket. Jay opened the door. "Come in, Uncle Woody."
Not until they were inside, the door closed, did the older man answer. "Let's
be rid of Uncle Woody, shall we? You see, son I know who you are."
Jay's thoughts would not focus. "How? I don't understand."
"Neither do I, fully. Some, but not all of it. Let's sit down." Then he said,
"How do I know? Well, not from the computer, of course. There's no point in
taking extensive personal data on visiting Couriers and you skimped some on
what they do request. No first it was just a hunch. Wishful thinking, I told
myself. Then I began to notice. It's feasible you could resemble Glenna more
than Janine and in some ways, neither. But the other side of your genetic mix
didn't come from Cimber Tanneha it came fromme ." He paused. "Another me,
obviously. Jay you have my hands."
"Hands? But "
"Fingerprint patterns. Not identical, of course. But the types of patterns,
and their distribution those can be inherited the same as eye color. Cimber's
aren't too different from Glenna's or Janine's, except in detail; mine are.
And yours and mine are so similar that well, smudged a bit, it would take an
expert to tell them apart." He grinned. "Does that convince you son?"
Lowvoiced, Jay spoke. "I snooped the computer files. And here, I was never
born; I miscarried. Mother Glenna, I mean never adjusted completely. I was
afraid the shock and if I go out again soon "
His not-father nodded."I thought that might be why and maybe you're right.
Glenna walks a tightrope, Jay. She lost me once, you know and even now, when
Forgues says we can beat the risk of Drift, she's not willing for me to go to
space again."
"And before I was bom, she lostme ."
"Yes. So I haven't told her about you and I'm not sure that I should."The
older man cleared his throat. "Now then something I need to know. Whydid you
go Courier?" He waved Jay to silence. "A little thinking, and your story won't
wash."
"But inmy world "
"No. I ran a computer simul; the odds against Bread'n"Circuses gaining power
are too long. But I don't need odds; one fact does it."
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"I don't see "
"With that outfit in charge there wouldn'tbe Couriers, and you know it.
They'd ground our ships as soon as they returned, and leave the colonies to
die on the vine. They don't look outward."
Jay grinned. "You've got me but it was the best I could think of, on short
notice."
"And not bad, if other things hadn't set me suspicious. But desk work gives
me too much time to think and I did."Before he could continue, a knock
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